Er?
by Kestrel and Peregrine
Summary: What happens when Weiss Kreuz (and Schwarz) hit a renaissance faire? PG-13 for Yaoi implications. PLEASE Read and Review!
1. Whaddya mean Renaissance?

Disclaimer- None of the characters portrayed here belong to us…well Lucretia and Anjie do, but other than that. Renaissance people belong to REC corp and The Weiss boys belong to Koyasu Takehito. Please don't sue us, we're broke as well…we just have no money. ^_^;;  
  
*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Er…  
  
*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"White hunters in the dark! Hunt the tomorrow of these dark beasts!"  
  
The holographic Persia made his obligatory incantation and then vanished with the TV screen.  
  
"K'so!" exclaimed Hidaka Ken, eager for action. "Manipulating all those people. Who does that scum think he is?" "Steady there KenKen, you'll give yourself a nosebleed." Kudou Yohji's voice was lazy as his lithe hands lit up a cigarette. "And anyway, this one doesn't sound so bad. I mean, music's sort of addictive anyway. What's the harm in giving people what they want?"  
  
"Are you nuts!" Sputtered Ken. Manx took his side. "The 'harm', Yohji is in producing a sound so potent that it will either render its listeners' senseless or drive them insane." "Well I thought it was kinda catchy." "Argh!" Manx threw her hands up in defeat.  
  
"Well I think it's creepy. It reminds me of Wunder X." Tsukiyono Omi gave a small shudder.  
  
"Where do we find the beast?" The baritone query sliced through all petty chatter. Manx smiled slightly. At least SOMEONE around here was professional. She turned to the impassive Fujimiya Aya. "His name is- hold on I had to write it down." Manx fumbled with her papers until she produced a small index card. "Here we go. His name is Villadiego Raimund Serrano de la Espada."  
  
Three sets of eyebrows went up. "Bet he has his own zip code." Said Yohji mildly. "He's known as just Diego." Said Manx. "Or as 'Diamond Freak'. That's his underworld name." "Wish I'd thought of it." Commented Yohji.  
  
Manx shot him a look.  
  
" 'Diamond Freak's' partner is someone known as 'Velvet Venus'. Apparently this individual is his constant companion, but we have no idea what he or she looks like. But Velvet Venus is the one who carries Diamond Freak's drug supply. You must destroy both leaders and whatever shipment they have on them. Got that?" "What's the name of this music-drug again?" cut in Yohji. Manx stared him down. "You know perfectly well-" "I forgot." Manx sighed. "Auntee. The drug is called Auntee." Appreciative laughter erupted from Yohji. Ken and Omi joined in seconds later.  
  
"Auntee!"  
  
"That is THE weakest name for a drug ever!"  
  
"Hello, would you like some Auntee?" This continued until-  
  
"SHUT UP!!"  
  
Aya had such a way with words. The other thtee assassins immediately composed themselves. "So where do we find the targets?" Aya asked Manx. "Bristol, Wisconsin. United States." She replied handing out plane tickets and fake passports. "He'll be at a place called the Bristol Renaissance Faire." Manx began passing out souvenir booklets. "You might say it's his day-job. Oh and by the way." She added as she left. "leave your assassin outfits at home. Try and blend in this time." Four shocked and puzzled assassins stared into the space where Manx had been.  
  
"Bristol Renaissance Faire?"  
  
"Wisconsin?"  
  
"United States."  
  
"United States. United States!?! Bristol Wisconsin in the United States! Beer, Brats, and Babes! Oh God in heaven you are too good to me!" Three assassins watched in horror as Yohji did a boogie dance to celebrate his good fortune. "On second thought, maybe some 'Auntee' would do him some good…" muttered Ken.  
  
~~~~~~  
  
"Genesis!"  
  
"Harry Belafonte!"  
  
"AC/DC!"  
  
"Placebo!"  
  
The drive from Milwaukee's Mitchell International Airport to the Bristol Renaissance Faire was a typical Schwarz road trip in every sense of the word. The war for domination of the CD player was no exception.  
  
"Harry Belafonte? Crawford, I don't care what you do in the privacy of your own room, as long as you KEEP your waek-ass CD collection locked up there!"  
  
If Crawford's hands weren't at 10 and 2, they'd be at 9 and 3 around Schuldich's neck. The Precog glared ominously into the rear-view mirror and blocked his mind so that the telepath wouldn't see the revenge he was plotting.  
  
"Genesis!"  
  
"AC/DC!"  
  
"Placebo!"  
  
"Nagi, Placebo's so angsty! What we need now is some crotch rock! You know, get the blood flowing!" "I'm an angst ridden teenager, what do you expect?" Nagi rolled his eyes and gave up. Schuldich got his hopes up ~Two down, one to go~  
  
"Genesis!"  
  
"AC/DC!"  
  
"Far-fieeee." Schuldich whined, pouting into his super-kawaii koi's fave. "Why do you wanna listen to crappy 'Ol Genesis anyway?"  
  
"He He, Peter Gabriel hurts God" answered the Irishman, turning briefly from his new set of steak knives. The German sighed. "Can I just listen to my theme song? Hten we can hurt God all the way to Bristol."  
  
Farfarello thought for a moment. "Okay." He finally agreed.  
  
"Nagi, the envelope please."  
  
The AC/DC CD levitated into the player. Soon the BMW pulsed with the strains of Schuldich's favorite song, appropriately titled "Dirty Deeds."  
  
"Schu?"  
  
"Yes, my pet?"  
  
"Say it." Farfarello reached for his lover's hand.  
  
Schuldich sighed, summoning all his foppishness.  
  
"Willst du…Auntee?" he inquired suggestively, with a smirk and a twitch of his orange eyebrows.  
  
The whole car erupted in laughter. It was gonna be a good mission.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Yohji looked in horror at the outfit he was being forced to wear. Granted it didn't look SO bad on the hanger, but now that he was wearing it…Omi sniffled in the back of the van. "Manx said blend in." Aya declared loudly. "WE'RE WEARING TIGHTS!!!" "WAHHHHHH!" Omi wailed in the back. Ken was less than amused. "Hey, where's this supposed to go?" Ken held the costume piece gingerly. "Uh Ken…that's a cod piece…it goes on your…" Yohji whispered the tail endo of the sentence into the unsuspecting Ken's ear. The blonde man laughed as Ken blushed brighter than Aya's hair. Aya toyed with the strap that attached his katana to the rest of his outfit. The three assassins that had chose to exit the van were all dressed similar, save for the color scheme. Ken was in green, Aya in red (which clashed badly with his hair), and Yohji in blue. Aya's gloved hand reached into the back of the van and pulled out a very unwilling Omi. The small teen wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt. "Why me?" he whined. "Because you're the most effeminate, and I dressed in drag the last two times." Ken said, laughing at Omi in full drag, bodice and all. The motely group made their way to the entrance, where some hysteria was going on.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
A red haired man glared down at Ken from the stage. He held a spear tightly in his right hand. Ken looked innocently up at him. Schuldich pondered the phallicity of the picture in front of him. He sent psychic messages of things we wish to not mention here to the scarred man beside him. Omi blinked as the red head was approached by a man with a noose wrapped around his person. "Oswald, cease thine intimidation. Sir Edward Coke comes." The two turned to the center of the stage and knelt as a man in all black came on. He looked at the crowd. "Silence you rabble!" He barked. Two females in matching blue dresses (although one's was darker shades than the other's.) stealthily snuck up behind the kneeling men. The girl in the lighter skirt jumped up on stage while the other pounced on the back of a man in all black, holding a straw hat to his chest. "Good Morrow Diego!" she chirped. The man yelling at the crowd glared at the first girl. "Anjie, wouldst thou kindly remove thineself from the stage whilst I am talking?!" "Why Sir Coke, I am mearly attempting to attract the attention of yon gentleman." She winked at Yohji. "AND to turn thine eyes from Mistriss Lucretia and Master Diego." Edward turned slowly to see Lucretia nose to nose with his Spanish guard. "MORTH!" Another man rose from his kneeling position, slapped Diego on the back of the head and roughly pulled Lucretia to her feet. Much confusion did ensue, and the Sea Dogs were able to seemingly appear out of nowhere and stop all conversation.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Ken's mind was blank.  
  
"What – The – Fuck?"  
  
Well, not quite blank. The girkined assassin was standing in immense confusion watching the strange scene play out in front of him. He was pretty good at English, but the way these people talked was just baffling. 'Is this some weird American thing?' he wondered. "Oi Aya. What's with these people?" His wine-haired teammate turned to him. "They're actors. They want us to believe we're in the English Renaissance."  
  
"But I hate history!"  
  
"Daijoubou Ken-kun! It'll be fun!" Chimed Omi, trying to distract himself from the fact that he was in a dress. His English was better than Ken's, so he was having an easier time.  
  
"But I can't understand a word their saying!"  
  
Aya sighed. Ken was becoming a spaz.  
  
"Just do the best you can." He told him.  
  
"So Yohji-kun., how dost thou fare?" asked Omi, making a feeble attempt to get into the mood.  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
Omi sighed. Yohji's English was worse than Ken's. He'd have to speak more modern.  
  
"How are you doing, Yohji-Kun?"  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
Omi raised an eyebrow. Yohji's English wasn't THAT bad.  
  
"Oo genki desuka?"  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"ARGH! I GIVE UP!!" Exclaimed Omi, is effeminate voice breaking.  
  
"Oh! Did you say something Omi? Sorry, I wasn't listening."  
  
"What's got you so distracted Yohji-kun?"  
  
"Her." Replied the older man, gesturing to the stage. Omi looked to where Yohji pointed. The shock took a second to register, but when it did he gave a little shriek.  
  
"Yohji-Kun! That's a –a –a GOAT!" cried a horrified assassin in disguise.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Authors' Note – Well, for now we're just gonna leave it there. It's almost midnight and we're both tired. There was a lot more conversation between Coke and the SeaDogs, but we cut most of that. It hasn't much to do with the plot anyway. ^_^ Besides…we're tired.  
  
We'll add part two later! OYASUMI NASAI MINNA-SAN!!!  
  
~Peregrine and Kestrel 


	2. A goat?!?!

Disclaimer stands as is. We are SO broke!!! You have no idea. Unless…I have seven cents and a throat lozenge, kestrel has…a bottle of water…check that…HAD a bottle of water.  
  
Authors' Note- We couldn't remember Coke's Court of Common Pleas speech exactly, so we had to wing it a bit. And we are also well aware that in the 2001 season Diego never did show up at the CoCP, since he was occupied with being dressed in drag at the midsummer's stage. Sorry for the inaccuracy of it all. ^_^;;  
  
~*~*~  
  
Er…(Part 2)  
  
~*~*~  
  
"Baka! Not the goat! The girl!" Yohji gave him a shoved. Omi blinked and looked again.  
  
Indeed, it was a nice-looking goat, but Omi would be the first to admit that the girl looked much better. She wore a light blue dust covered skirt over a darker blue one, with a bodice similar to Omi's (the young assassin cringed as he recalled this), except that it was embossed with little crosses in white thread. Her tight dark-brown curls came past her shoulders and partially concealed a pretty face. She wore a mulin headscarf, and smiled as she stroked the plump She-goat beside her. Omi was no guru when it came to girls, but he could see Yohji's point. "I think she winked at me," the taller assassin said. "but I'm not sure, Helllllllllllllllooooooooooo Wisconsin."  
  
Omi sighed, and scratched himself in an unladylike place.  
  
~~~~~~  
  
Schuldich's mind was blank.  
  
'What – The – Fuck?!?'  
  
Well not quite blank.  
  
'Did you know Weiss would be here?' he projected to Crawford.  
  
'Yes'  
  
'Do you know what's going to happen?'  
  
'Not yet.'  
  
Schuldich turned his mind from Crawford to Farfarello.  
  
'Guess what, libe.'  
  
'What?' answered Farfarello.  
  
'Weiss is here.' Farfarello stiffened at these words, and the framiliar bloodlust washed over his psyche.  
  
'Where?' He asked, his inner voice throaty. Schuldich indicated to a wine- colored head of hair in the crowd. From there it was easy for Farfarello to pick out the chocolate, honey, and butterscotch heads of the other three assassins standing nearby.  
  
'Why do you think they're here?' asked Farfarello, hand immediately going for his knife.  
  
'They're here for Diego.'  
  
'What?!? Oh.' Said the Irishman, as Schuldich leaned in to nip at his neck.  
  
'This'll be GOOD.'  
  
"Schuldich!" Crawford hissed in the telepath's ear.  
  
"What?" inquired the German, a sweet tone covering his irritation.  
  
"Cut out the homoerotic display. We need to blend in."  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"We're not properly dressed."  
  
"Gotcha." Said Schuldich, and ducked out of the crowd with abnormal speed, taking Farfarello with him.  
  
"Huh?" Said Crawford, puzzled. "No, Schu, I meant use your powers to create a psychic illusion! God knows what kind of disturbance those two will cause." He said both to himself and Nagi. He glanced to where the telekinetic teen was standing only to find him gone as well. 'Fuck'  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
Velvet Venus was happy, even if she WAS rather hungry. She had a burning urge for some celery. She hated the diets Diego put her on, and celery was about the only healthy thing that she actually enjoyed eating. Well, better that than Diego ditch her for being too fat. She looked out at the crowed, savoring their attention. She knew most of them came to see Diego, ESPECIALLY Misstriss Lucretia. Well, that was alright, Velvet Venus really wasn't the jealous type. And Diego never failed to show he cared, so she always forgave him. Velvet Venus sighed. Yes, everyone loved Diego. Just look at this crowd, they were all impressed by him. Just then, an auburn blotch of hair caught her eye and she gasped. The man to whom the aforementioned hair belonged was looking right at Diego. HER Diego. And he looked so…angry, so hateful. Like he wanted to hurt Diego.  
  
Velvet Venus grew protective and defiant. Well, let him try. She'd show HIM if he tried anything. No one was going to hurt HER Diego. NO ONE.  
  
~~~~~~~~~  
  
Lucretia sat down on the edge of the stage. "Anjie." Her companion stopped petting the goat and looked down at the red haired girl. "Aye, Lucretia?" "I grow weary of the company of these great brutes. What say you we leave this dreary scene and find some more amusements? I did here the revelers shall be doing a maypole dance in a short time."  
  
"Aye, Lucretia. Let us away. Anon Cookie!"  
  
Anjie winked at Yohji again and she and the other girl we off. Edward Coke sighed.  
  
"Well Captain Cutter. What junk have you today?"  
  
Aya glared at the mass of bodies. It was going to be hard to 'shi-ne' people today.  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
Once the gates open, and the mob poured in, Aya did the first thing he could think of, and interrupted a conversation between Oswald and the man from before.  
  
"Where's Diego?" He asked gruffly.  
  
"I know not. You may want to take thine search to yon barn. Do tell Misstriss Lucretia her brother is in search of her as well."  
  
Aya didn't answer, but stormed away to find the drug-dealing Spaniard, leaving behind two slightly annoyed badde guys.  
  
~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Did thou not the flame haired gent in the crowd by the gates?"  
  
"Nay, I was rather busy noting his companion." Replied Anjie with a mischievous grin  
  
She had a weakness for tall, blonde Asian men in leotards, and since there weren't too many of those wandering around Bristol, she considered this her lucky day.  
  
"I did not like the look of that man." mused Lucretia.  
  
"Well! I never planned to share him." Said her amused and distracted companion.  
  
"No, not HIM! The red haired one." Exclaimed Lucretia.  
  
"Was he very ugly then?"  
  
"Nay, but he had a fearful countenance. I liked not the way he looked at Diego."  
  
"How? With lust?"  
  
"Nay, with vengeance."  
  
"By Our Lady!" Anjie stopped her dancing and looked at Lucretia. The other girl's face was full of concern.  
  
"Think you that Master Diego is in for some harm?"  
  
"I know not. Perhaps we shall warn him to be safe."  
  
"Aye." Anjie agreed and they set off to find him.  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
"Alcoholic kind of mood  
  
lose the clothes, lose the lube  
  
crusin' for a piece of fun  
  
lookin' out for number one  
  
Different partner every night  
  
So narcotic, out –of –sight  
  
What a gas! What a beautiful a-ass…"  
  
Nagi had needed some quiet time. Ironically, this consisted of belting out Placebo lyrics at the top of his lungs. He'd used his telekinesis to get him into the faire before the gates were open. Now he was wandering aimlessly, in his adolescent rebellion neither caring about the target nor about the people he was scaring. No, Naoe Nagi didn't have a care in the world until he bumped (literally) inot Tsukiyono Omi…in a dress!  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
"We're back!" Announced Schuldich loudly as he and Farfarello ran up to meet Crawford. "Where have you been?" Said the American through gritted teeth.  
  
"Stealing costumes. See?" The German and the Irishman held up armfuls of clothing.  
  
"WHY!?! You could've just used your powers!"  
  
"Bradley, what's the 8th commandment?" inquired Farfarello.  
  
"Um…" Crawford hadn't been to bible study since he was ten.  
  
"Thou shalt not steal?" he finally ventured.  
  
"And who does stealing hurt?" asked the psycho as though Crawford were a sweet, but learning disabled rodent.  
  
"ME!" The precog shouted.  
  
"No, silly! It hurts God."  
  
"ARGH!" Sometimes it took all of Crawford's will power not to put out Farfarello's other eye.  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
Lucretia and Anjie found Diego down at the Dirty Duck Inn with the rest of Coke's men. Timidly, Lucretia approached him.  
  
"Master Diego, this morn at the gates I did see a crimson haired man looking at you with such a glare that would cause one to think he intended to harm you…" she trailed off.  
  
"Senorita…" Diego smirked at her.  
  
"Be wary this day, Diego."  
  
"Si!" He kissed her swiftly on the cheek and took his post next to Sir Coke. Anjie nudged Lucretia and grinned.  
  
"I know of one thou does intend to keep to thine self."  
  
Lucretia blushed.  
  
Edward Coke quieted the crowd. "Do you like Justice in the 20th century?"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"Well here in the 16th century we skip right past the tedium of judges and juries and get straight to the justice. So, tell me, do you like justice in the 16th century?"  
  
"AYE!!"  
  
"Now! As with any good 16th century court we have a head waylayer, and ours be Oswald Jaggers."  
  
Oswald brandished his spear several times.  
  
Just then, an enraged Jack Bottoms came to the Inn.  
  
"I have grievance against THAT!" he pointed at Diego. Edward sighed. "What be thine grievance?" Jack was being held back by Oswald and the other man who we really should introduce, but don't really feel like it. Aren't we such caring authors? ANYWHO!  
  
"That man hath condemned mine sister into a life of sin!" Ebenezer Hellstone immediately took a stand and towered over Lucretia. "Repent now, ye sinner!"  
  
"Aye, and tell us what sins of the flesh thou didst enjoy." Anjie said leaning against a tree. "Diego!!" Jack struggled harder to free himself from those holding him at bay. Diego sighed. Lucretia stepped forward. "Good Brother, thou art a fool to have thine heart filled with the venom of the snake that did hiss such treacherous lies into thine ear." Jack was stunned. "Tis true that I do hate thee with all of mine heart, but I would not stain mine own name to spark a fire of rage in you!" Lucretia stormed off.  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
"Lucretia…what was that about?"  
  
The red haired girl sighed deeply. At other times she would've liked nothing better than to rant to her friend, but she was still worried about Diego.  
  
"Someday soon I shall tell thee the whole story." Lucretia managed a little smile.  
  
"Anou…I mean, excuse me. I'm looking for a Mister…hang on I wrote it down!" while Hidaka Ken fumbled around his garments, the two girls managed to exchange a look of amazement.  
  
"What is going on? Is this 'Asian – Men – In – Tights Day' or something?" mumbled Anjie to her friend. Not that it mattered much. Not only was Ken's English not that great, but he was too busy hunting for his index card to notice.  
  
"I recognize him. He was with that redhead and your tall blonde admirer." Replied Lucretia.  
  
"So you think…he's after Diego too?"  
  
By this time Ken had removed his shirt and girken, turned them inside – out, and STILL hadn't found the errant note card. He was about to remove his tights when –  
  
"Good Sir!" cried Lucretia in perfect Japanese.  
  
Ken ceased his stripping and looked up.  
  
"Might you be in search of Villadiego Raimund Serrano de la Espada?"  
  
"Hai!" exclaimed Ken. He was falling in love. Not only was this American lovely, but she wasn't speaking that wretched renaissance english.  
  
The two saw Ken's weakness and exchanged another glance. They weren't telepaths, but they knew what to do.  
  
'I'll distract the dork. You go find your blonde and see what you can discover.'  
  
"Excuse me," said Anjie, who also spoke perfect Japanese. "I forgot to feed the goat. Ja Ne!" She scampered off to find Yohji. Lucretia turned to the shirtless assassin and smiled sweetly. "Come with me and I'll take you to Master Diego."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Well, that's it for part two. Just a note that we had to make Lucretia Jack's sister since otherwise it didn't have nearly enough confict. And no, We aren't going to tell you why Lucretia doesn't like him, we don't know ourselves. See you in part three! 


	3. Fariy WIngs

Disclaimer still stands as it was in chapter one. We're still broke so don't bother suing us.  
  
*~*~*~  
  
Er?… (Part 3)  
  
*~*~*~  
  
"Alright, I want to know EXACTLY where these outfits came from!"  
  
But Crawford already knew. And he knew this was going to complicate things in frustrating and comical ways.  
  
"This one we stole off the hanger." Piped Farfarello gesturing to a skirt, shirt, bodice, and headscarf ensemble.  
  
"It's for…Schuldich."  
  
"ME! We agreed that you were going to wear the dress!"  
  
"But you're more feminine. Just look at all that gorgeous hair-"  
  
"Flattery will get you no where! I'm ALWAYS the one in drag! Remember the schoolgirl outfit?"  
  
"hehe. Yeah." Farfarello grinned as Crawford almost puked on his shoes.  
  
"So won't you be my ale wench libe?" Schuldich cupped Farfarello's face with his hands.  
  
"Well…okay!" They kissed and Crawford swallowed his tongue.  
  
"Stop creating a spectacle!"  
  
"Brad, we're behind a petting zoo. No one can see us but the goats."  
  
As if on cue, they turned to see a goat staring at them quizzically.  
  
"Maa?" she inquired, wagging her little tail.  
  
"Aww, I think she likes Crawford." Said Farfarello.  
  
Crawford refused to dignify that with a response.  
  
"Cheer up Brad. We stole this one just for you."  
  
Crawford's face lightened at the sight of a poofy shirt, a girken, tights, and codpiece…all of them cream – colored.  
  
"Hey! Thanks guys!"  
  
"Maa!" said the goat.  
  
As if on cue (wow de ja vu), Naoe Nagi came running up, breathless.  
  
"Where have you been?" said Crawford sternly,  
  
"I…went for a walk. I saw…" Nagi panted.  
  
"A knife store?" asked Farfarello.  
  
"Your first naked woman?" asked Schuldich.  
  
"Weiss?" asked Crawford.  
  
"Yes!" Cried the telekinetic. Two faces vaulted.  
  
"Wow, you saw all that? This IS the happiest place on earth!"  
  
"No, Bakas, I saw Weiss, the little one."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"You're a little late." Said Crawford matter – of – factly.  
  
"But…why are they here?"  
  
"Diego." The three men chorused.  
  
"So…why don't we just leave and let THEM take him out?"  
  
"Simple…it's more fun this way." Crawford walked off, now dressed in creamy renaissance regalia.  
  
"For once, I agree with Mr. Tree – Up – His – Ass." Commented Schuldich, who had put his costume on. He was dressed all in deerskin: boots, cloak, and a rather suggestive loincloth that was giving Farfarello ideas. The Irishman was wearing his feminine ensemble.  
  
"We're gonna fuck with We-iss. We're gonna fuck with We-iss." He sang.  
  
"Oh! We got a costume for you too, Nagi. We stole it from some Shakespearian actor. Enjoy!" The German grabbed his lover's hand and strolled off.  
  
"I hate you all." Said Nagi as he donned tights, fairy wings, and a pink tutu.  
  
"Maa?" said the goat.  
  
~~~~~~  
  
Farfarello and Schuldich passed by a very shirtless Ken to find him pinned up against a wall by a very pretty red haired girl. "Looks like KenKen is already getting fucked with." Schuldich whispered.  
  
At that moment Aya stalked over to the soccer player. "Ken! We have a mission! You're not supposed to be having relations! We have to complete the mission and kill Villadiego and Velvet Venus!" He made the horrid assumption that Lucretia wouldn't understand him.  
  
"Anatatachi wa…HIDOI!!!" She yelled at the top of her lungs and ran off feigning tears.  
  
She later found herself in a tree by the Dirty Duck Inn and contemplated the current state of Diego. She sighed. "Aye me."  
  
~~~~~~~~~  
  
Anjie saw Yohji before he saw her, but she ignored him, wanting him to notice her first.  
  
He was leaning on the railing of a footbridge, smoking and nursing a beer. When he spotted Anjie strolling nonchalantly #snicker#, he wasted no time.  
  
"Anou…I mean, Excuse me." The assassin said, torturing the English language.  
  
"Hai?" the girl looked up and blinked innocently.  
  
"You speak Japanese?" Yohji mused in surprise.  
  
"Fluently, or so I'd like to think." She responded, a casual smile belying her fluttering heart.  
  
"You're doing great."  
  
"Arigatou."  
  
Yohji smiled. "So, what's your name?"  
  
Anjie cleared her throat. "Amadea Angelina Maria del Tobosa."  
  
Yohji face vaulted.  
  
"What's with these people and their enormous names?!?" he wondered aloud.  
  
"Please, call me Anjie. Almost everyone does." Yohji's smiled returned.  
  
"I'm Yohji."  
  
"Pleased to meet you Yohji-kun." She offered her hand to him. Yohji took it, then pulled her closer to him, intent on stealing a kiss. Anjie squirmed away…reluctantly.  
  
"I'm afraid I can't. Gomen." She stated.  
  
'Damnit! She already has a boyfriend. I KNEW it.'  
  
"It's just that it's unprofessional." Hope returned to the unprofessional assassin's face.  
  
"You could always get a kiss card." Anjie suggested.  
  
"Really?" said Yohji immediately interested. "What's that?"  
  
"It's exactly what it sounds like. You get one; you can kiss any willing member of the staff. But…" she hesitated.  
  
"But?"  
  
"You'll have to fight me for it. Come on!" She grabbed the confused assassin's arm and away they went.  
  
~~~~~  
  
"Oi, Aya, did you HAVE to barge in that way?" huffed Ken, trying to keep up with his adamant teammate.  
  
"Yes. You were jeopardizing the mission."  
  
"This from the guy who said 'We have to kill Diego' right in FRONT of her!"  
  
"Well whose fault is that?"  
  
"YOURS!!!!"  
  
The assassins had stopped walking in order to scream at each other more easily. Aya sighed deeply, regaining his self-control.  
  
"Business, then pleasure." He said. He grabbed Ken again.  
  
"And put your shirt on, we're going to find Yohji."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Where the HELL have you been?! It's five minutes to curtain!"  
  
"Huh?" was all Nagi could say as a burly woman dragged him in the direction of an open – air theatre. "Well at least you're dressed." She commented as she dragged the befuddled boy.  
  
"What are you talking about?! You've got the wrong guy!" the telekinetic stammered.  
  
"Listen! I don't care how great an actor you are, I'm not taking any crap from you!" the female Goliath shouted  
  
Nagi's jaw slammed shut. If he used his telekinesis to rid himself of the ogress, Crawford would maul him. And he was no match for her physically. He took an inventory of his day:  
  
He was wearing a fairy costume  
  
He hadn't listened to Placebo  
  
He was wearing a fairy costume  
  
He'd seen Weiss  
  
He was wearing a fairy costume  
  
He was being bullied by a big scary lady  
  
And  
  
HE WAS WEARING A FAIRY COSTUME!!  
  
Nagi's lower lip began to tremble. It was not a good day. The woman noticed and her attitude softened. "Now now, don't be scared, you're gonna be great. Break a leg kid." She said, shoving him through a curtain and into the actors' green room. A crash and a yelp of pain assured her that Nagi would indeed break a leg. The woman gave a satisfied smile and turned, her eyes immediately falling on Tsukiyono Omi. "And where the hell have you been Titania?!" The gargantuan stage manager bellowed. "You're not even in costume!" Before the boy in the bodice could so much as squeak, she had shoved him backstage.  
  
Weiss met Schwarz. Two enemies came to instantaneous mutual sympathy.  
  
"So, what play is this anyway?" asked Omi.  
  
~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Huzzah! That's our third free dinner!"  
  
"Stick with me, baby, I'm just warming up."  
  
Schuldich and Farfarello had meant to find Crawford, they really had. But the axe/knife throwing game was just too much fun to pass up.  
  
"Yi yi yi yi!" Cried the Irish knife enthusiast as the heavy axe hit the bull's eye…again.  
  
"Shit. Methinks this wench will take all the free food we have!" whispered the carnie to his companion.  
  
"Hey! Only I get to call this gorgeous creature 'wench'." Said Schuldich, laying a possessive kiss on his boyfriend.  
  
The carnies gulped in unison. "Yes of course." One of them stammered, thoroughly weirded out by this couple. If they didn't know better, they'd swear that the pale lass was really a man…no way. That was just too weird to think about…She was just…buff, yeah that's it…  
  
While the carnies struggled to deceive themselves, and Farfarello won dinner for Crawford (for a year), Schuldich heard a boisterous "Huzzah!" from behind him. A girl with dark curls had just knocked a tall Japanese man in tights off a log, and was now gloating.  
  
"I told you you'd have to fight me for the card." She said cheerily, offering him her hand.  
  
Schuldich smiled, recognizing Yohji.  
  
'Weiss sure is getting their share of girls today.' He thought, noting the waves of affection surrounding the pair. He watched them seat themselves on the log again, each armed with a sack. After a brief struggle, the girl was the one who toppled off the log.  
  
"Victory is mine!" Crowed Yohji, helping Anjie to her feet.  
  
"Not yet it isn't." she declared, and they took their places for the final round.  
  
Moments later…  
  
"HA! I win!" Yohji plucked Anjie out of the straw once more, and gleefully collected his kiss card.  
  
'So do I.' Anjie said to herself, as she looked up at the grinning Yohji.  
  
"Indeed. Now you just have to find someone to give it to." She replied. No sooner had she spoken than Yohji scooped her up. Moments later she found herself sitting on a bench. Well…Yohji was sitting on a bench. She was in his lab. Yohji smiled mischievously and held out his kiss card.  
  
"Pardon, but would you redeem this for me?" he asked with mock shyness.  
  
"If I must." She grinned.  
  
'Well HE'S certainly getting his two dollars' worth.' Thought Schuldich. He turned his attention to Farfarello's game. He'd already won more food than Weiss and Schwarz could eat together, and he still hadn't missed. The poor carnies were almost in tears. 'Oh fine, I'll do my good deed for the day.' As Farfarello stood poised with the knife, Schuldich leaned over and blew in his ear. The knife fell harmlessly to the ground. And the carnies wept with relief. Farfarello turned to his lover, annoyed.  
  
"Schu, I was on a roll!" he complained  
  
"I'll make it up to you." The German answered slyly, running his tongue along Farfarello's lips. Yep. Definitely.  
  
"Come on, let's go find Crawford."  
  
"Okay."  
  
The pair turned to leave and bumped directly into Lucretia Bottoms.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Well, that's it for part three. Stay tuned for more! If we feel like it. ^_^ There's cheesecake downstairs so that may not happen right away.  
  
~Us 


	4. Potted Plants!!!

Disclaimer STILL stands as is in chapter one. We're just too lazy to type it over.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Er? (Part 4)  
  
*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Maa."  
  
This was not happening.  
  
"Maa."  
  
This was not happening.  
  
"Maa."  
  
This was NOT happening.  
  
The denial wasn't working. The more Crawford tried to ease his own mind, the more things backfired for him. The she-goat HAD been with Diego in the morning. She had the initials "VV" shaved into her fur. Then there was the collar, which had 'Velvet Venus' embroidered on it. But, that didn't men that this goat was…  
  
"Maa."  
  
Crawford's eye twitched. He'd already turned the stable inside out looking for evidence of Auntee. There was none. There was only one place left to look and…  
  
"Maa."  
  
Crawford #twitch# didn't think he could go through with it. I mean, who was sick enough to pack a goat's rectum with contraband anyway?  
  
"Maa."  
  
Lots of people. Yes, it was a sick sad world. Crawford had killed people, so why couldn't he…  
  
"Maa."  
  
#twitch# do this?  
  
"All roads lead to…goat." Crawford said aloud.  
  
"Maa."  
  
"I'm really sorry to have to so this, but…"  
  
"Maa."  
  
"Just…hold still."  
  
"MAA!"  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
Lucretia looked up. "Forgive me sirs." She reverenced the two and then did a double take on Farfarello. "Why art thou in a dress?" Farfarello grinned. "Dressing in drag hurts God. Unless, you're Nagi or that Weiss brat, then you can't hurt God." Lucretia nodded. "Aye." She tried to escape when she felt twinges in her mind.  
  
'He's right behind you Lucretia.'  
  
'Er?'  
  
'You should tell him before Weiss kills him.'  
  
'I-'  
  
'I'll tell him for you then.'  
  
'Wait!'  
  
The voice left her mind and Schuldich smirked. Diego approached the red haired girl and homosexual couple.  
  
"Lucretia, are these men bothering you?" He slung an arm over her shoulder.  
  
'Say Diego…'  
  
'Que?'  
  
'She loves you, why don't you do something about that before something…unfortunate happens.'  
  
'QUE?!'  
  
'Well then perhaps you should go to the barn and check on Velvet Venus.'  
  
'Fie.'  
  
"Forgive me Lucretia. I must away." Diego shot a glare at the German.  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
Crawford sighed. Not only did her NOT find Diego's supply, but now this goat would not stop following him.  
  
"3 Maa 3"  
  
Oswald and the aforementioned un-named man strolled by. Crawford smirked and pushed up his glasses. "There shall be no fame for those two." He muttered as Aya walked by, dragging a badly dressed Ken by the wrist.  
  
"I see heart break for them and…"  
  
"Maa?"  
  
"I hate live stock."  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
Schuldich and Farfarello found the Sea Dog they sought eating his lunch under a tree near where the four and thirty show was to take place…  
  
~~~~~~~~~  
  
Ken was a tad more than confused. "Anou…Aya…was that just Crawford and a…goat?"  
  
The brown haired man managed as a man dressed in all cream being stalked by a love sick goat walked briskly past them in the opposite direction. "Impossible, now lets go find Diego." The Spanish man in question was on a cell phone behind a shoe store. "Si…Si…All is going according to plan…Si, after the four and thirty show…Si, Adios!"  
  
Aya glared at Diego. "We have to find Omi and Yohji and make sure we get him before the four thirty show ends." He hissed and dragged Ken off in search of their teammates.  
  
~~~~~~~~~  
  
Jack fidgeted nervously as the two men sat on either side of him. Some how, Farfarello had gotten hold of Jack's knife and looked at him.  
  
"Keeping secrets hurts god."  
  
Jack struggled in vain to restrain his gag reflex.  
  
"Know you why Lucretia hates you?"  
  
Schuldich asked, quirking an eyebrow.  
  
"Nay. Dost thou?"  
  
"In truth, I do."  
  
Jack looked shocked.  
  
"But that information comes at a price."  
  
Farfarello clutched the knife.  
  
"What be the price?"  
  
"Your knife."  
  
Realizing he wasn't going to get it back anyway, Jack sighed.  
  
"Aye, now what be thine information?"  
  
Schuldich retold what he had taken from Lucretia's all to willing mind while he distracted her with threats on Diego.  
  
Jack was…speechless.  
  
Farfarello offered up the knife and with a childlike innocence asked,  
  
"Lick?"  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
Lucretia sighed… again.  
  
'All this protecting is getting on my nerves. I sure hope Diego'll be alright.'  
  
She thought as she watched the progression of "A Midsummer Night's Dream".  
  
Anjie and her new beau stood not twenty feet away. Ken and the man who so rudely interrupted them earlier, were on the way over.  
  
"Oh huzzah." She said sarcastically and rolled her eyes.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Farfarello, who was in search of food that hurts God, had dragged Schuldich across all of the grounds. "Come on Farfiekins…are you sure turkey legs don't hurt God? I'm sure they died violently!" The German whined.  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
The fic writer smiled. She had been wondering how she would continue with the story. And now she knew.  
  
"Time for a little "Deus ex Machina" she chuckled…  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
Suddenly the German stopped. Tickled by a mighty pen from the realms of oblivion, he began to snicker. Then he laughed. Soon, tears were rolling down his face as he clutched his sides in hilarious revelation.  
  
Farfarello blinked, mightily confused.  
  
"Schu? What's so funny?" he asked.  
  
His lover paused, his laughter subsiding a little.  
  
"Darling, I think I just had an epiphany."  
  
"Oh? Did it hurt?"  
  
Schuldich kissed him tenderly.  
  
"I'll tell you all about it later. But right now we have some Shakespeare to see."  
  
Farfarello grinned and licked the knives he had stolen for good measure.  
  
"He. He. Fairies hurt God."  
  
"Baby, you have no idea."  
  
And they were off.  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
"Oberon, look out for the potted plants!"  
  
"Titania, look out for the potted plants!"  
  
Omi and Nagi were having a blast. Backstage they had discovered that they shared a mutual passion for absurdist theatre. Now they were improving a well-known play with random lines from random Shakespearean plays.  
  
"Stay, dog, for thou shatt hear me! Thou art pigheaded, how pigheaded can thou be?"  
  
"Turn hellhound turn! You cankerblossom, you thief of love, you are the one who is pigheaded, pigheaded, pigheaded!"  
  
The audience, who had never really understood Shakespeare anyway, was laughing uproariously. They had never remembered the renaissance being quite so…funny.  
  
Backstage, the other actors were fuming…and laughing. Only one person stood with a huge satisfied smile, the large stage manager. It was all going according to her plan.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Ken stared at Aphrodite Quickly, who was conversing with a group of women several yards away.  
  
"Oi. Aya, haven't we seen her somewhere before?"  
  
"hn. We've been walking around this stupid faire all day. We probably have."  
  
"No, I mean before this."  
  
"Ken, get your head out of your pants and on the target!" Aya shouted.  
  
"Maybe when you get the fencing foil out of your ass I will!" Ken shot back.  
  
Aya paused, his expression softened.  
  
"Fencing foil? That's a new one." He took another look at Misstriss Quickly.  
  
"You know, she DOES look familiar…"  
  
Before the assassins could move in for a close look, their attention was distracted by the sight of Brad Crawford running away from a goat. Aya and Ken looked at each other, trying to solve the broken rubrics cube that was their universe.  
  
"Crawford?"  
  
"Goat?"  
  
Shock melted into laughter. Ken was irretrievably amused. And Aya, who hadn't broken character in twelve weeks, laughed till he hiccupped. After a lengthy duration, they recovered enough to speak.  
  
"Should we follow them?"  
  
"Do we have a choice?"  
  
Still chuckling, they hasten in the direction the two had gone in. When Aya and Ken were out of sight, Aphrodite Quickly breathed a sigh of relief.  
  
'That was close.'  
  
~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Crawford?"  
  
"You know him?"  
  
"Erm…sort of. We're not exactly friends." Explained Yohji.  
  
"Ah! Velvet Venus?!" cried Anjie.  
  
"WHAT?!?!"  
  
"Velvet Venus. She's following that Crawford guy. Wow, she looks really happy about something."  
  
Yohji took a moment to process this information.  
  
"So…the GOAT is Velvet Venus?"  
  
"Yeah, she's cousin Diego's pet, but he's usually too busy to take care of her, so I do most of the work."  
  
Yohji pondered this for a second.  
  
"So…Diego's your cousin."  
  
"Yes. That's why we both have obnoxiously long names."  
  
'K'sou. This COULD ruin the relationship.' Yohji took a deep breath.  
  
"We should follow them." Said the assassin.  
  
"I agree." Said the Faire employee (or was she? MWHAHAH!)  
  
It wasn't long before the pear encountered Aya and Ken. Not too far in front of them stood Lucretia. She and Anjie exchanged looks.  
  
"I do believe Diego is in the barn…" the two girls made eye contact once more. "With the kittens."  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
The Precog and his goat stalker were headed back to the barn. Crawford, in his creamy, dust covered tights, which despite said dust, still showed his nastay leg hair, glared up at the sky and yelled.  
  
"I HATE YOU KESTREL AND PEREGRINE!!!"  
  
The fic writers grinned and did the happy dance, for the one thing in the world they wanted was to piss off Bradley Crawford.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Yeah Yeah, we know Jack should've been in the play too, and so should Diego, but you know what? We are pretty much only doing this in the interest of convenience for the plot line of the fic. Part five coming soon…WE HOPE! ALMOST DONE!! WE PROMISE!!! 


	5. Repose...in latin?

Disclaimer still stands…joy.  
  
*~*~*~  
  
Er? (Part 5)  
  
*~*~*~  
  
"Well, I guess that about wraps it up!" Declared Peregrine happily. The two fic writers were taking a repose from the hard – knock life to enjoy a much deserved rest. Fic writing was a dirty job, but damn it…never mind ^_^;;  
  
Kestrel opened an eye and turned to her friend.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"I said, we're done, it's a wrap. We've done everything we set out to achieve. Lucretia gets her share of hot Iberian men and Soccer Players; Anjie gets the friendly blonde and moody redhead. We've got Placebo lyrics, a pissed of Precog, alliteration, and a goat! What more could we ask for?"  
  
Her companion did not immediately respond, so engulfed were her senses by the deep – tissue massage she was receiving.  
  
"Ooooh. Hotohori-sama. That's so good." She crooned.  
  
Hotohori merely smiled and continued rubbing his imperial hands over Kestrel's aching shoulders.  
  
"But wait a minute, it's not over. It CAN'T be over." She mused aloud.  
  
"Huh?" answered Peregrine. It was her turn not to pay attention.  
  
"A little lower Suboshi." She said and the bishonen obeyed.  
  
"I said, it's not over. What about denouement? What about conflict resolution? What-"  
  
"What about lemon?" offered Peregrine.  
  
"What about everything coming together?!" cried Kestrel, sitting up. Undaunted, Hotohori continued his massage as she spoke.  
  
"Diego's still in danger, and Lucretia still has to marry him! Nagi and Omi are still in the theatre. Anjie hasn't seduced Aya! Lucretia hasn't finished what she started with Ken, and Manx and Persia are still at large. THE FIC MUST GO ON!!" Kestrel declared, leaping to her feet. The emperor of Konan pouted with dismay, but smiled when he realized the fic writer had dropped her towel…  
  
Peregrine sighed. She'd been looking forward to a rest.  
  
"Alright! Alright! We'll write a proper ending!"  
  
"Huzzah!" exclaimed Kestrel, snatching up a pen and running from the room. The emperor, the seiryuu seishi, and the remaining fic writer exchanged an interminable glance. Finally, Kestrel burst back into the room.  
  
"I'm naked aren't I?"  
  
Hotohori nodded vigorously, and handed her a silk robe.  
  
"Thanks." She said, giving him a quick kiss before she vanished.  
  
"This will be interesting."  
  
"Yes. Yes it will."  
  
~~~~~~~~~  
  
In the midst of all the vigorous discourse going on around him, Aya had spotted Diego strolling nonchalantly from the stables, as it were, to the very "Theatre of the Fairies."  
  
It should be noted however, that Aya's perception was a bit mistaken, as Diego, far from nonchalant, was very agitated, having gone to the stables and NOT found Velvet Venus there. Instead, he had seen his precious pet following an embarrassed man in cream and now he was following them both to investigate. That was when Aya spotted him and went into shi-ne mode…until he felt a tug on his sleeve.  
  
It was Anjie, who was fearful for her cousin's life.  
  
"My good lord," she entreated him "please desist. My kinsman hath made no quarrel with you. Why, therefore, do you seek to Shi-ne him?"  
  
The wine-haired assassin was as much taken aback by Anjie's words as by her beauty. But, habit forced him to be coarse.  
  
"This does not concern you." He replied stiffly, forcing his arm free from her grip.  
  
"But it does," she answered and took hold of his arm again. "Whatever crimes my cousin be accused of, I can assure you he is innocent."  
  
"Don't interfere!" Aya snapped, glaring into the girl's eyes, which were wet with tears. The glacier on the assassin's heart receded a little…but not quite enough.  
  
"I won't warn you again." He said lowly.  
  
"Then you leave me no choice." She replied, and directing her voice at her kinsman, she cried.  
  
"Patrevelis! Fuge! Hic ruber capillus vir necabit te!"  
  
(Cousin! Run! This red haired man will kill you!)  
  
Diego understood, and obeyed. Unfortunately, just as Aya had falsely assumed that Ren Faire employees don't speak Japanese, Anjie assumed that assassins have no taste for dead languages.  
  
"Morere!" he shouted, katana poised.  
  
(SHI-NE!!!)  
  
But before Aya could take a step in Diego's pursuit, he was assaulted from behind…with a sack. He whirled in fury to find Lucretia standing, armed with two sacks from the Fight – The – Knight game.  
  
"Here Anjie." She said tossing her friend a sack. The girl caught it and went to stand beside Lucretia.  
  
~Slice~  
  
Now there were four sacks and two dismayed girls.  
  
"Oi, Aya, enough already." Yohji and Ken stood side by side, blocking their teammate's path.  
  
"What are you DOING!?!" he growled.  
  
"Aya we're as confused as you. But before you start shineeing people, can we at least meet this guy?"  
  
"Yeah, Aya, you never know. Maybe Kritiker was wrong this time. This whole mission just seems way too contrived. At this point, Kestrel glared down at Ken.  
  
"How so?" there were daggers in Aya's voice, but at least he was listening.  
  
"Well for starters," began Yohji, "There are Kritiker agents and assassin groups worldwide. So WHY would they send US around the world just for one lousy drug lord and his pet goat?"  
  
"DRUG LORD!?!" two faces vaulted.  
  
The two girls held each other for support so they wouldn't roll on the ground in their laughter.  
  
~ FIVE MINUTES LATER~  
  
"Oh God." Said Lucretia, still chuckling as she wiped the tears from her eyes. "Do you have any idea how ridiculous that sounds? This is DIEGO we're talking about!"  
  
"Seriously guys, drug lords make a ton of dinero, right?" said Anjie. The three assassins nodded in unison.  
  
"Well, my cousin's dirt poor, and I should know. I not only care for his goat, I also manage his finances. Hell, Velvet Venus has more assets than her does."  
  
"There! You see?" crowed Aya in triumph. "She knows Velvet Venus! She's in on it too!" Anjie might have been chopped to bits then and there if Yohji hadn't intervened.  
  
"Aya, there's something you should know about Velvet Venus."  
  
"Hn."  
  
"She's a GOAT!" chorused the two girls and Yohji.  
  
"WHAT!!!" Aya exclaimed angrily. Ken just looked befuddled.  
  
"Look, I don't know what you're trying to prove, but…"  
  
"We're trying to prove Diego's innocence. Now let's look at the facts. You've been sent around the world to wear silly-looking clothes, to chase after a penniless –" Anjie paused.  
  
"But good looking." Added Lucretia.  
  
"Spaniard and his pet goat." Anjie finished. The quintet stood in silence for a moment, trying to make sense of it all. Then Lucretia gave a start, blinked twice, mentally called herself a genius, and said.  
  
"Say Anjie."  
  
"Aye, Lucretia?"  
  
"What be the date today?"  
  
"Why this be a Saturday in the year of our lord 1574, and tis the first of April." Three faces vaulted.  
  
"The first of April!" exclaimed Lucretia in mock surprise.  
  
"Aye, the first of April." Answered Anjie with mock indifference.  
  
Three assassins quietly fumed.  
  
"We've been grifted! Hornswaggled! Bamboozled! Swindled! Played like a dime- store violin – "  
  
"Enough Ken! We get it!" Shouted Aya, SERIOUSLY annoyed that there would be no shineeing today.  
  
"Manx and Persia must pay." Declared Yohji.  
  
"Then we will need a plan." Said Anjie turning to Lucretia.  
  
"And I think we may have just the thing." Replied Lucretia lightly.  
  
"Everybody huddle up! It's time for a little mission of our own…"  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Authors' note – We know very well that faire season doesn't start until the end of June, and that the way we have it set up, BAPA hasn't even taken place yet. 'Tis all just for plot…it's almost over. You can stop ripping your hair out now. 


	6. Finally!! An Ending!!

Yeah. Yeah. Disclaimer is still the same. This is the last chapter so don't worry about it. ^_^  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
Er? (Part 6)  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
CRASH!  
  
"Look out for the potted plants!"  
  
Absurdist theatre had taken a dangerous turn. By the powers vested in the fic authors, Farfarello had discovered a seemingly limitless supply of Geraniums in large terra-cotta pots, and was now amusing himself by hurling them through the backstage curtains and on to the proscenium, where two dismayed actors were trying to avoid being hit. Schuldich would've helped Farfarello in his bombardment, but he was laughing too hard to stand.  
  
Of the two, Nagi was having the least trouble avoiding the pots, as he used his telekinesis to prevent being bashed in the head. And Omi, lean mean killing machine that he was, was nimble enough to duck the chloroplastic vengeance.  
  
"Gardening hurts God!" Declared Farfarello.  
  
But it made the crowd go wild with applause. Even Diego, who only moments before had been running for his life, had paused and was laughing hysterically at the display.  
  
"What the HELL!" Exclaimed a creamily dressed irritated man beside him.  
  
"Maa."  
  
"Velvet Venus!" Diego looked down affectionately.  
  
"Ugh!" The man's eye twitched. "Sir, is this YOUR goat?"  
  
"Si, Senor."  
  
"THEN KEEP HER AWAY FROM ME!" Shrieked Crawford making a break for the stage. All he wanted to do was get away from the goat, get his teammates, and get the hell out.  
  
"Maa!" cried the goat pitifully.  
  
"No chica, you stay with me now." Scolded Diego, holding her by the collar.  
  
"Crawford, look out for the-"  
  
BAM!  
  
"…potted plants." Nagi's warning had come too late, and now the precog (Or was he? MWAHAHAH!) lay sprawled upon the stage, hands cradling his screaming testicles. Every male who saw it unconsciously shifted the way he was sitting.  
  
"I…hate…absurdist theatre." Crawford croaked before he passed out from the pain.  
  
"Verdammnt! You really did it this time Farf!" cursed Schuldich, who had seen the terra cotta testicle-seeking torpedo through the curtains.  
  
"What a Nancy Boy. I can't believe he passed out." Commented Farfarello, who had stopped throwing momentarily to lick at his knife.  
  
"Easy for the gay sadist to say." Replied the German, easing up to the Irishman for a kiss.  
  
"Do you think he'll be mad?"  
  
"If he can remember anything."  
  
"Oops."  
  
~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Man, that's gotta hurt." Murmured Aphrodite Quickly. She and the stage manager were watching the whole scene play out from the last row of benches. "You have no idea." Replied the Stage Manager.  
  
~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Kinsman!"  
  
"Anjie! Why are you so out of breath?"  
  
"I've been looking everywhere for you! You have to get out of here, those men are dangerous!"  
  
She leaned in to whisper in Diego's ear.  
  
"But cousin, I cannot run from danger. It is not honorable."  
  
"Would you rather be honorable or dead!" cried Anjie, loud enough for the last row of benches to hear.  
  
"If you do not care about your own life, at least consider Lucretia. Will you make mine friend a widow before she is even a bride?"  
  
"Not another word." Said Diego firmly.  
  
"Villadiego Raimund Serrano de la Espada!" cried Aya, reading from an index card.  
  
"I am he Senor, what is it you want?"  
  
"Your life. SHI-NEEE!"  
  
And then it was over. (Or was it? MWAHAHAHA!!)  
  
The stage manager and Aphrodite looked from Diego's body to Aya to each other in horror. The feeling was mutual.  
  
~Oh, Shit.~  
  
~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Lucretia's eyes widened as she ran to the body of Diego. She wept torrents. Aphrodite and the stage manager were…scared beyond belief. Lucretia drew Diego's knife. Farfarello grinned and slurped on his own. "Suicide hurts God." "Oh happy dagger! Here is thine sheath! Thus rust, and let me die!" She stabbed herself in the gut. Anjie leapt forward, but was restrained by Yohji. "LUCRETIA!!!" An overzealous Farfarello in drag suddenly hugged Aphrodite and the stage manager. "HUZZAH!!!" he cried.  
  
~Oh…Shit..~  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
Kestrel raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Well this is certainly more carnage than I anticipated!" and she continued.  
  
~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Lucretia!" Anjie sobbed, whole Yohji struggled to comfort her. Ken and Aya stood idly by as Lucretia lay slumped over the body of Diego. Anjie was weeping over the loss of her cousin and best friend. Ken, realizing his newfound love for the crimson haired assassin next to him, turned, and buried his face in Aya's chest. The redhead blinked a few times, and he awkwardly patted Ken on the back.  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
Kestrel raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Well this is certainly more Shonen-ai than I anticipated!" and she continued.  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
"Aya-kun! What have you don!" cried Omi. He and Nagi had run from the proscenium to the heart of the disturbance. Schuldich and Farfarello, the latter of whom was now dancing a requiem jig and the former of whom was pouring a ceremonious sip on the wood, had joined them. "This song's de-di- ca-ted, to my ho-meeeey, in that gangsta leeeeeannnnnnnnn," sang Schuldich, whose mouth had many talents, but singing was not one of them. At this Schuldich glared to the heavens, paused, and continued singing at twice the volume.  
  
"Mission accomplished." Said Aya grimly, sheathing his now bloodless blade and preparing to leave the scene.  
  
"Aya, how could you!" cried Manx, who had removed her red wig to reveal her crimson locks. She was trying to comfort a distraught Persia, who was still disguised in drag and was now breathing into a paper bag. The four Weiss members gasped in surprise. Well, Omi gasped in surprise, the other three faked it.  
  
"Persia? Manx? You mean this whole mission was-"  
  
"FAKE?!?" Crawford had regained consciousness and stumbled drunkly toward the scene.  
  
"You mean I dressed up like 'Ye Olde English' prick, sodomized a got, RAN AWAY from said goat, and got sterilized by a pot of Geraniums…and…it was a FAKE mission?!?!" Manx and Persia managed to nod sheepishly.  
  
"Oh. Okay." For a moment it seemed that Crawford was handling everything very well. Too well. Then his eye twitched, his chin quivere, and he wept like a bottleless baby. It was an awkward moment. No one knew if they should feel sorry for Crawford. Finally Ken, who was rather enthusiastic about his newfound gaiety #snicker# managed to sidle up to the woebegone American and give him a hug that Crawford was in no state to protest against.  
  
"Oi Ken! What are you doing?" Yohji's voice was full of consternation.  
  
"Yohji! Even Schwarz gets the blues. Have some sympathy."  
  
"Ken, it's not about sympathy, the man odomized-say a oat-gay!" Whispered the blonde assassin fiercely.  
  
"Ah! Sou da!" agreed Ken and released Crawford.  
  
"You speak Latin?" sniffled Anjie, looking up at the stall assassin who was still cradling her.  
  
"No. But I'll try anything once. Speaking of which, will you marry me?"  
  
"Sure…after the…FUNERAL!" Anjie started crying again, which just drove daggers of guilt into the police chief and his secretary.  
  
"Persia-san, what have we done?!" wailed Manx.  
  
This teary scene might have gone on for an indeterminable amount of time until-  
  
"Maa!"  
  
As if on cue, Velvet Venus appeared and began licking the face of her master.  
  
"Oh God! That's so sweet!" cried Manx and Persia in the agony of their inner cricket.  
  
As they spoke, the goat in question began licking at the blood from her master's lifeless body.  
  
At this, every one sweatdropped. Only Diego giggled. Wait a minute! Dead people don't giggle! (Or do they? MWAHAHAHA!)  
  
Well the "dead" man had by now sat up and was wiping the cherry sauce from his face.  
  
Yep, not blood, cherry sauce.  
  
Farfarello was overjoyed.  
  
"HUZZAH! We found food that hurts God!"  
  
To the utter shock of Manx and Persia, Diego and Lucretia leaped to their feet grinning.  
  
"April Fools!" cried the Weiss and Renaissance Faire employees.  
  
"Maa!" said Velvet Venus.  
  
THE END  
  
  
  
Epilogue  
  
Lucretia Bottoms ditched Villadiego Raimund Serrano de la Espada in search for a hairless effeminate man.  
  
Kudou Yohji wed Amadea Anjelina Maria del Tobosa, and she made him quit smoking.  
  
Crawford and the goat had six kids (Ha! Ha! Kids get it? :D) They are currently looking for a state in which they are legal.  
  
Ken and Aya couldn't make it work. They now date Omi and Nagi, respectively.  
  
Schuldich and Farfarello continue to amuse the hell out of us :D  
  
*~*~*~*~  
  
Well, that's it for the fic. Hope you liked it. Now that you've read, PLEASE!!!! Review it. We live for reviews…and cheesecake. Reviews and Cheesecake…yep…that's pretty much it. 


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